I'm Back, and Ready to Blog!

I know - I've been away too long again.  But before I get back to talking about all the joys of parenting in your 40's, a quick update on life in general.

I'm still unemployed.  I'm getting interviews, but always seem to be the bridesmaid, not the bride. Actually, this wouldn't bother me at all except for the fact that I need to be making money, as I have yet to find anyone who will pay our credit card bills and car payments for us.  The unemployment benefits are still coming, but not for too much longer.  The kids have already been put on notice that they might just have to learn to watch their shows on the internet or, horrors, read the books and play with the toys that litter their rooms, instead of watching the idiot tube when they come home from school.

Update on my unscientific experiment - the hair color does seem to be making a difference.  Since my initial blog about this in May, not one additional person has asked me if the boys were my grandchildren. Since the dye job doesn't seem to be making any difference in the job search, though, I'm letting it grow out.  We'll see if there is an up-tick in the number of "grandma" comments as the gray increases.

I'm ready to blog again, and I have a few ideas for posts.  Be watching - I have a lot to say!

The New School Year

OK, call me crazy, but I was always excited about starting the new school year when I was a kid. Yep, told you I'm crazy. Truth be told, I still get excited over it. But this year, I get the additional excitement of knowing that I have a built-in babysitter for the twins between 7:45 a.m. and 2:45 p.m. each day for most of the time between now and June.

Yes, that's right, the boys are starting Kindergarten in a couple of weeks.  Even cooler?  The teen is entering high school.  It's going to be a fun year, I can tell already.  And I am saying that only half sarcastically.  I got the first taste of what the year will be like today, when we went to the high school to pick up schedules and fill out the requisite pile of paperwork generated by my daughter's peanut/shellfish/tetanus allergies.  

First, it took threats of banishment from the computer to get Bobby to get dressed and ready to go out the door. The rest of us were actually looking forward to going out and getting the school stuff done, but not him. He was, variously, "too tired to get dressed", "hungry", "thirsty", and "too tired to do anything except play on the computer." His exact words, not mine.  Eventually, we got him out the door, and the adventure officially began.

Upon arrival at the high school, you first have to show that you have your "fast pass", which proves that you went online and registered your child in the district for the year. OK, done. Great, we get to go down the hallway directly to the health office check in. And here we encounter hitch #1. The boys do not appear on the list held by the ladies at the check in, so we are diverted to the conference room off to the side along with other parents/kids that have medical issues to resolve. Once inside, we go up to the first desk, and are asked if any child has a medical condition. Well, yes. Those dang allergies. A packet of about 10 pages of information magically appears in front of me, and we are ushered off to a table so that I can fill out paperwork about Grace's allergies until my eyes cross, my hand goes numb, and Bobby nearly goes ballistic with boredom. Who would have thought Bobby to be a "two-percenter" already at Kindergarten? At least Carl was able to self-entertain by adhering all five of his "I'm a Registered Hippo" stickers to the front of his shirt, then to the table, then wad them up and stuff them under the table when I wasn't looking. Grace was bored, but she is used to the process, and bears it well.

Paperwork done, back to the desk. Please, lady, sign off on the fast passes so we can go to the next step. Nope, of course not. We have to go to another desk to confirm immunization records have been received and are up to date. At least all the lines have been short. Grace? Yep, she's covered, and her fast pass is initialed. Woo-hoo! But, ho? What is this? Neither boy appears on this list, either!!! I inform the lady with the list that I emailed their immunizations to the health office over the summer, and received confirmation emails in return. "Oh, ok. Probably just a printing error, let me check." The wait for this is longer than the wait in any line so far, but yes! Success! The boys' passes are initialed, and we are on our way.

Next challenge - fee management. So, the boys are brand new to the district, no prob. They are initialed, and ready to proceed. Grace, however, needs to be checked. Not sure what for, as they said library fines won't show up in the system. Whatever. She's clean. We're moving at lightspeed now!  ;)

Passing through the doors to the cafeteria, we reach the real excitement - lines for each school where schedules can be picked up. Hurray!! But first we are intercepted by a nice young man (Grace tells me he's a teacher from her school last year), who informs us that we need to go to the opposite end of the cafeteria to turn in the fast passes and provide proof of residency.   Yeah, I've got this covered. A polite conversation about twins while the lady makes three copies - one to attach to each pass - and records in her computer that we are legit, and we are through with all the requirements.  

Onward to the schedules!!! As we cross the hallway, a nice young lady hands me an application to volunteer/donate/register our household for Orange Santa. That's this town's big charitable Christmas thing where needy families are provided with winter coats, turkey dinners, and gifts for the kiddos. Nice to see them start on this early, actually. I never seem to hear about it until Thanksgiving, after everything is in full swing.

Ah, yes, the schedules. There were tables set up for each school. None had much of a backlog, so we went to the high school table first. (Personal note: Grace wishes it to be known that what was already a bleak experience for her was about to become even bleaker.)  We walked up, stated her name, and were given a piece of paper listing all her classes. We also picked up a copy of the dress code, cell phone policy, and a flyer for the Freshman Orientation. As we turned to walk away, Grace notices there is no lunch period. Then we see there are no times or teacher names. Turning back, we ask about this. Oh, no, this isn't the schedule. She won't get that until the first day of school.  

Can anyone tell us the point of this???

Deep breath, and onward to the elementary school table. This is where my burning question of the summer will be answered. Will the boys have the same teacher, or not? If so, what hoops will I have to jump through to get this changed? The anticipation is killing me!!

Bobby's form is pulled, and he has been assigned to a teacher that has been teaching Kindergarten in the district for at least 12 years - a friend's daughter, now a Senior, had her for Kindergarten. This is good news, as far as teacher selection is concerned. Even if they both end up with the same teacher, she's undoubtedly experienced at handling twins in a classroom.

Carl's turn. Huzzah!! The form has a blank where the teacher's name belongs, and the lady at the desk states that he is assigned to a new teacher that just came on, and writes the new teacher's name in on the form. RELIEF.  I can feel the tension flowing out of my body as I thank the lady.

Now then, one last thing. But first, no, Bobby, we CAN'T go home yet, and if you ask me again, you are going down for a nap as soon as we do get home. This is really, really getting old. Back to that one thing. Food services (with a quick side-trip to the YMCA table to ask about being able to add in the twins mid-year if I get a job). Each child is assigned a code in Kindergarten, and it goes with them all the way through high school graduation. I've had Grace's memorized for years now. Time to get the codes for the boys. At the food services table, we pick up the elementary menu for August/Sept, as well as the high school menu options for the first week of school. Hey, the high schools kids have LOTS of options! Not that that matters for Grace; she's a picky eater and will likely have pizza or chicken tenders every day.  

But I digress. While I'm at the table, they offer me an application for free/reduced lunches. Well, I am still unemployed. Let's see. We have 5 members of the household. He makes this much, I'm pulling that much in unemployment. Nope, we make too much money. One of the ladies tells me, you just need one more kid. YIKES!! No, thank you!!! So, I say that maybe we'll qualify if my unemployment runs out. The other lady says, yes, come back then. I sincerely hope I don't need to do so, but thanks, I'll keep that in mind.

As we are walking away, Grace reminds me that I haven't gotten the boys' codes. Oops. Back to the table. Get the codes. Ah, done. Finally. Yes, Bobby, we can go.

On the way out, we see the high school principal. He was Grace's principal at middle school last year. He greets us, Grace by name, asking if we're ready for school. Grace answers "no," and moves on. I just shrug my shoulders apologetically to him and say "I think that's about all you're going to get out of her this year," then we're gone.

This is done, and Bobby did go down for a nap, though he didn't actually sleep. In two weeks, we have Meet the Teacher night for the boys at 6 pm, and Freshman Orientation at 6:30 pm - same night. Three kids, three different sets of teachers in two different buildings, two parents (assuming Raymond can be home in time to take Grace separately). Anyone have a cloning machine I can borrow?  

This year is going to be fun.

Something near and dear to my heart... Food Allergy Awareness Month

So, this past week was National Food Allergy Awareness Week, and May is National Asthma and Allergy Awareness Month.  My daughter suffers from food allergies to both peanuts and shellfish.  Not only does she need to avoid these foods, but many other foods due to cross-contamination.

This makes having a "normal" life more difficult for both her, and our whole family.  Her life is literally at risk every time she boards an airplane because others on her flight or previous flights may have brought peanut-containing snacks on board, and peanut particles may be spread throughout the cabin due to re-circulation of the air.  She can't safely go to seafood or Asian restaurants, with a few select exceptions, and bakeries are almost all verboten, due to cross-contamination issues.

She also doesn't get invited to parties.  Folks don't want to be hurtful, I'm sure, but they are either at a loss as to how to provide for the food-allergic child at the party, or are afraid that there will be a reaction and they won't know what to do.  These are legitimate concerns, but with a little education, there is no reason to avoid inviting a food-allergic child to your celebration.

As older parents, most of us never encountered another child with severe food allergies as children.  The truth of the matter is, though, that one of every thirteen children in the U.S. has a diagnosed food allergy (1), and it is likely that we will have to face the prospect of inviting a child with a severe food allergy to a gathering at some point.

I recently came across an article on another parenting blog, and would like to share it with you.  The article is "Food Allergies at a Birthday Party - Part 1."  The blog is called Pebbles and Pigtails, and the blogger, Lisa Jorgensen, reprinted this article written by the CEO and Founder of Allergy Eats, Paul Antico.  Whether or not your child has food allergies, you may find the suggestions in the article useful for planning your child's next event (or for reassuring other parents hosting parties your child would like to attend).

For more information on food allergies and food-allergy friendly restaurants, please check out these websites/articles:

AllergyEats.com
Food Allergy Research & Education (FARE/FAAN)
"5 Must-Read Myths About Food Allergies," Eat + Run Blog, U.S. News & World Report
Kids With Food Allergies
Diseases and Conditions: Food Allergy - Symptoms, Mayo Clinic
Recipes: Food Allergy Mama (Another blog worth checking out!)

References

1. Webpage, "About Food Allergies." url: http://www.foodallergy.org/about-food-allergies.  Accessed May 18, 2014.

Let's experiment...

If you've read my entry entitled "Are You Their Grandmother?" or viewed my profile, you've already noted that I'm pretty gray on top.  Well, recently I've become unemployed, and, since first impressions count, I've gone ahead and dyed my hair so I won't look so old during interviews.  I don't like it, but almost every other woman I know that is my age has her hair colored, I'm just leveling the playing field.

It occurred to me, however, that this also presents an opportunity.  I used to be asked about being their grandmother every couple of months or so, on average, almost, but not always, by folks in the under 30 age bracket.  Shall we see if I continue to get asked that now that my hair has been made younger looking?

This experiment is totally unscientific, and should be treated as such.  However, I'll do my best to track this over the next six months and we'll see how it goes.

Just so you know, I've already had one person express surprise this morning when I said the boys were mine.  No, not at the Mother's Day breakfast at their daycare.  I was wearing a photo pin of the boys to my needlework club, and a lady and I were comparing notes about preschoolers.  She's a grandma herself, and watches her preschool-age grandson after school.

So, two weeks into the younger-looking me, tally up one incident for the 50+ age group.

Check out my next blog for an update!

The toll on the body...

Let's not lie to ourselves. We're "older parents" and our bodies are no longer in prime condition for raising youngsters. I don't care what your BMI is - age is taking its toll, and I am willing to bet money you are feeling it.

This is, of course, more true the older you are when you become that older parent. With my first, I was 35 and did not appear to suffer any ill effects due to my age, other than developing a chronic pain in one knee from kneeling down on the bathroom floor without proper cushioning while bathing her. That can happen to anyone, but as I have always been one who doesn't mind getting down on the floor with kids and animals, it was a bit of a surprise.

Fast forward nine years. I'm 44 and have just given birth to twin boys. "But Heather," you say,"twins alone, are going to take more of a toll on you." True. Yet, I can see the signs of aging at work clearly. That knee? While better, it still wants to freeze up on me every so often. I'm nowhere near as limber as I was before, either. But there is more.

At 49, I now wear bifocals instead of normal glasses. Frustrating, especially when you have a preschooler trying to show you his latest artwork (they always want to put the paper right up to your nose - why is that?). My eyes are drying, a natural result of aging, and I now need to use artificial tears multiple times a day. I have a couple of friends developing arthritis, and I'm noticing that one of my fingers, too, hurts regularly at the joint. Bruising is happening easier and lasting longer, something I've previously noticed with older friends of mine. I'm rapidly approaching menopause, which is causing my hormones to fluctuate as badly as those of my 14-year old daughter, and also affecting my sleep patterns.

Is this affecting how I raise my children?

Let's start with those eyes. It's not just a matter of having Bobby stick his latest masterpiece right in my face. It's being able to quickly change my field of vision from the story I'm reading to Bobby to the view of Carl attempting to climb a bookcase across the room. It's also discerning the fine detail on the screen of Grace's handheld game system when she wants to show me how a scene is playing out. I find myself wanting to grab the game system out of her hands to get a closer view. For the dry eyes, I go into hiding to apply the drops - I have developed a healthy fear that one of the boys will pounce from behind and I'll take an eyedropper in the cornea.

The hand pain? Could be a hairline fracture in my finger bone(s) due to rough treatment since the boys were old enough to grasp and twist. I can't tell you how many times I've had individual fingers yanked at funny angles. I've also pounded my fist on the kitchen table a few times as if it was a gavel, trying to get the attention of the brood. Still, I've noticed that it isn't just my right (dominant) hand that hurts. All my fingers are feeling it in the joints, if only just a touch. My feet, too, on occasion. Amazingly, that knee is not suffering. I think it just likes to act up randomly to remind me I'm not a 20-something any more. I am much less likely to get on the floor and play with the boys than I was with Grace, which disappoints them to no end.

Bruises? Well, let's just say that with two very active little boys, you are going to get bruised - a lot. Age is only a factor in that a bruise that used to last a week or so now last a month, and tends to get larger than before. At any given time, I'm sporting at least four bruises on my body. More if I've been roughhousing with them.

I won't even go into how the whole hormone thing influences my interactions with my children. That subject deserves a whole blog entry of its own.

How do you see age affecting your parenting?  Or is it not?

Teens These Days...

This last weekend was a busy weekend in the Ford household.  All three kiddos had birthdays.  The girl-child turned 14, and the twins five.  Every year, I look back and think about when they were babies, and how I miss that time.  Right up until I remember the lack of sleep, dirty diapers, and smelly formula, that is.

My husband and I took Grace and two of her friends to see Captain America: The Winter Soldier on Saturday.  We, of course, sat in a different part of the theater, knowing that they would be mortified had we chosen to sit with them.  That is how it is when you are 14 - I can still remember feeling that way myself.

Teens today really aren't that much different than teens from the 1970's and 80's.  They are still unsure of where they stand in society - are they old children or young adults, or something else altogether?  They know their parents are not perfect, but they still want their approval at some level (even if they won't ever admit it). They want their independence, but sometimes aren't as ready for it as they think, and have to learn that lesson for themselves.

One way teens today have of asserting their independence and growing their world is access to information.  It's not new that they have it (we did, too), but they have access to more information in many more forms. I could live in fear of this information overload, but I choose to embrace this instead.  Yes, more ways of being connected = more ways your child can find themselves in some bad trouble.  But, more ways of being connected ALSO = more opportunities for exposure to the world and all its diversity. For a child like my daughter, who is in no way a social butterfly, this is a wonderful thing.

Yes, she has a Facebook account, but mostly lurks, rarely posts.  No, she's not on Instagram, and has no interest in it, Twitter, or the many other social media platforms available.  She has email, but rarely checks it. What she DOES do is interact with others anonymously, and sometimes not, through online worlds such as NeoPets, and following web comics.  She uses Wikipedia to look up items of interest to her, but understands that it is not guaranteed to have correct or complete information posted on a subject  - it's a starting point, that is all.

My daughter uses the internet to find episodes of her favorite anime shows that have not yet aired on Cartoon Network, for example.  Often, these shows are in Japanese, and the intro and closing sequences have been altered for an American audience.  Not only is she enjoying her shows, she's learning more about how production companies can make changes to shows to make them fit the needs/requirements of their audiences and/or the networks airing the shows.  She's followed up on news items she's seen on TV, and read the first couple pages of her summer reading assignment on Amazon.com to get a sense of what she's in for once she actually buys the book. She's sharing what she's learning with me, too.

I am loving this.  My daughter and I are learning and growing together.  We've talked about what she finds on the internet, whether it is a list of characters a certain voice actress portrays, or the stupid antics of certain teen idols (she really dislikes several of them that others love).  She's told me what she thinks of that summer reading book topic.  She's shared her favorite web comic with me.  I've learned about random generator sites that I never knew existed because of her.

I trust my daughter to do what is right when it comes to accessing the internet and social media.  We learned internet safety in Girl Scouts, and have done our best to internalize the rules we were taught back when she was a Brownie.  Do I trust the rest of the world?  No.  But I do know that as long as she and I can share her experiences in this area, she'll share with me if she is uncomfortable with what she finds there, too.

I hope that you will all take the time to learn about all the wonderful things waiting out there on the internet if you aren't already into them. If you are reading this, you already know at least a little about blogs.  Ask your kid - you may find yourselves in a great bonding experience.

"Are You Their Grandmother?"

"No.  No I'm not.  And what the heck makes you think I'm old?!"  Oh, yeah, I guess I AM old. For being a mom of a 4-year old, that is.  These days, one doesn't really think of 49 as old.  Fifty is supposed to be the new 30, right?

Still, the first time I was asked this, I was in shock.  I'm afraid I didn't take it as well as I could have.  After all, I was asked that by a six-year old classmate of my daughter's.  At that time, I was only 41. I've had significant amounts of gray in my hair since my mid-20s and I haven't dyed my hair since before Grace was born, so I don't equate "gray" with "old."  But I can see where a six-year old would.

I quickly overcame the shock and forgave that little boy for his impudence.  I even found another older mom among the parents of Grace's classmates.  A mom through adoption, but still a mom dealing with all the same issues.  Sitting in a parent's-night with a bunch of 20-somethings was interesting for us, to say the least. :)

Now that I have the twins, I am running into this problem more frequently.  I get the little comments, totally harmless in intent, but still unsettling, when out with them. Maybe some of you have heard these:

"I can't wait until I'm a grandparent and can give the kids back to their parents when I'm done with them"  (a young woman behind me in line at the grocery store, trying to make chit-chat while my boys were acting up)

"Are these your first grandchildren?"  (seems to happen mostly in elevators - I have no clue why)

"I'm always buying stuff for my grandkids, too."  (with a 'knowing' chuckle in the toy aisle of the local big box store).

These days, I just smile, and let the twins correct the folks when they start going "Mom... can I have yyy?" or "Mom, I love you!"  I have come to love the look of surprise on the faces of those folks.  Not to mention the looks on the faces of those who didn't say anything, but obviously were thinking along similar lines.

Anyone out there have a good story of mistaken identity?  I'd love to hear yours!

That's it until next time.  Remember  - you are only as old as your kids allow you to be.

So, what, exactly, is an "older parent?"

Remember that nursery rhyme, "There Was an Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe?" You know, not only did she live in a shoe, but she had so many children she didn't know what to do. I always assumed she was grandmotherly, yet had a whole bunch of young children. Not terribly realistic, but children's imaginings rarely are.

Since having my oldest child, I've given this rhyme more thought. Let's look at the context of the rhyme. First, this is an old rhyme, dating back to at least 1794, when it was thought to first be published in English (though maybe as far back as the 10th century in French oral tradition) (1,2). Especially prior to the industrial revolution, many women tended to have children from shortly after they married and kept going as long as their bodies would hold out, or they managed to live to see menopause. So, yes, if she had many kids, especially given the infant mortality rate, the woman probably was old - at least for her time period.

But HOW old is old?  Who knows?  The best I can do is give you a few numbers about women and childbirth from the U.S. over the last 43 years, courtesy of the Centers for Disease Control, and use those as the basis for this and future topics.

The mean age of a first-time mother in the U.S. in 1970 was 21.4 years, but had risen to 25.8 years by 2012 (3,4). This was due, in part, to a lowering of the birthrate in girls ages 15-19 in the last several years, but also an increase in the number of women age 45 and older giving birth for the first-time.  

So, maybe my first birth in 2000 at the age of 35 didn't make me so old after all. Would love to hear from some of you how old you were at the time you first gave birth.

Next time: "Are Those Your Grandchildren?"

1) "There Was an Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe," J. Riston, Gammer Gurton's Garland, England.  1794.

2) The Poetry Foundation. "There was an old woman who lived in a shoe," related content webpage: http://www.poetryfoundation.org/bio/mother-goose. Last accessed January 27, 2014.

3) T.J. Mathews, and B.E. Hamilton, "Delayed Childbearing: More Women Are Having Their First Child Later in Life."  NCHS Data Brief, No. 21, August 2009. http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/databriefs/db21.pdf.  Last accessed January 27, 2014.

 4) J.A. Martin, B.E. Hamilton, M.J.K. Osterman, S.C. Curtin, and T.J. Mathews. Births: Final Data for 2012. National Vital Statistics Reports, Vol. 62, No. 9, p. 2. December 30, 2013.  http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nvsr/nvsr62/nvsr62_09.pdf.  Last accessed January 27,2014.

Welcome to the Biggest Challenge of My Life

Hi there.  My name is Heather, and I am an "older parent."  I've been an older parent since 2000, with the birth of my first child Grace.  I was 35.  Not bad, you say.  Add nine years, and a set of identical twin boys, Bobby & Carl.  Yep, identical twins at age 44.  Not planned, no infertility treatments involved.  Not exactly what I had in mind when I planned out my life back in my teen years...

If you became a parent for the first time after age 30, I bet you feel at least some sympathy for what I and my husband (who is 6.5 years younger than me, but still what you could call an older parent to our twins) experience day-to-day.  Sometimes, I'd swear I'm only 25, other days I feel 70.  Much of this is determined by how the twins behave when they wake up in the morning.  It sets the tone for the whole day.  Not any different than what younger parents experience, just more so, I suspect.

This blog is strictly a collection of ruminations on what it means to be an older parent, and the particular challenges we face that younger parents may not.  I'll write about my life, and potentially tell stories of other older parents I've met over the years. Perhaps stories from their children on what it is like to have an older parent.  This is not a blog about raising twins - there are plenty of resources on that topic - but I'm sure some entries will certainly ring more true for other parents of multiples.

I have a couple of topics in mind for my next blog or two, but beyond that, well, maybe you can help me out. I would love to hear from other older parents and compare notes. So, if you are reading this and would like to contribute to this conversation, follow me, and give feedback.  I look forward to hearing from you!

Halloween 2010